Fear

Lately I have read a few biographies on individuals who had made decisions in their lives that made them into the people they did not want to be. They, like us all started out with good intentions but along the way with a few minor decisions their whole lives changed. They embraced things that were not healthy, so in turn they became destructive human beings who turned into creatures of their basic desires, they acted in a way, like animals, they left their restraint behind and became something they hated. Not saying they are by any means less human or unintelligent, they are in fact very smart people. And there is hope for them. They are self-destructing in front of their very own eyes. I fear that I might someday become like that, so I wrote this about that fear and struggle in my own life.

There is this extension of my self.
A personality that is in me but yet apart from me.
Like a cut that will not heal, I pick at it, pull off the scab, poke it when it fills with puss.
I let it drain and bleed.
But always it must stay at the same severity, the same size of a wound.
But sometimes I dig too deep, the cut bleeds too much and it begins to grow in size.
Don't prod and poke a caged animal!
The anger will grow, the cage will open and the creatures presence will be known by many.
I smell fear!
A fear I provoked that creature, that side of me that I want to stay hidden.
His ugly head sees the light often enough. If I fully succumb to him, I will be lost forever.
I will not last long and that creature will kill me along with its self.
So I must tend to this, heal this wound, tame the beast!
The wound may heal but the scar remains. The beast may be caged but is still wide eyed and ready.
He will always be there, under the surface waiting for a weak moment in my restrain.
I try to feed into myself good and right, so I may grow safer with this other entity within me.
So I can no longer fear what I may become.
So I can look in the mirror and not recoil with horror.