To whisper when I cannot speak

Slowly passing. The sound of the radio. Friendly songs are hurting my ears. Head full. Mouth empty, no words that make sense. No one understands, not even my self.
Love! Oh the word stings like and arrow through the heart. I love God. I love God so much that I give up so much. It is because of this that I can't seem to think. I have changed. I am more full of love then I ever have ever been. The question is why then do I feel farther away from the whole world? I am so serious but yet can't speak these serious words of love freely. It's so frustrating. I have changed in that I do not take words lightly. I can't speak the way I did.
No jokes! Oh how I long to joke, to make others laugh like I use to. I can smile when others smile I can laugh when others laugh. But I can't speak words of humor. I pray so much! Why do I feel myself getting closer to God but farther from everyone else? I long for closeness and for a loving touch. I feel no love from others. I feel the love I want to give. It's deep, no knife can cut to make it bleed. I hold this love in my hands but no one wants it.
I just want to be held. Does anyone have that feeling? , The want of being held like you were when you were young. You cried and your mother held you. And sometimes that's the only reason you cried, to be held and know you are loved. I long for that. But I want it to be real. I don't want to be held by someone who is doing it just because I want it and they feel responsible to comply. No I want to be held by someone who truly want to hold me and love me. I feel like holding some people. I want to hold some people and not speak a word. Just hold them tight and whisper "Do you feel safe?" But I can't do that it seems. The more I want to the more it seems I am pushing people away. How do I do right by people when all it seems like I can do is wrong? All I want is to bless people, really. But all my words come out wrong and I feel foolish.
I think a lot about heaven right now. I want to go Home where my Lord will hold me and I can rest without crying myself to sleep. I am not complaining! I love life! I am saved! I can breathe! I can see others smile! I saw an angel! I dreamed a dream of the future! A simple dream, that seems so far off. I guess I write to get my mind straight. And maybe someone will understand. I live this life, Praying for growth, trying to do right. But when moral right is seen so wrong, I just want to break free. I don't want to be seen as this serious guy who can't enjoy life. I want to joke! But only if it can be done without any immoral application. I stumble so easily. And others do to. I don't judge but love and keep my mouth shut. I pray I will be able to speak life someday and be able to be normal again without losing ground. Well this is me rambling yet again.

"The world is full of angels and saints. I see the one so bright! She shines day and night. My words make no sense to her and I can't seem to speak without putting my foot in my mouth. To give life to her! That's all I want to give. But it's seems my life is not worth enough to give. The saints they look past. The angel does not see my love, she sees it as foolishness. All I can do is sit and pray for words to give. Sit and look and get joy when she smiles and feel frustration that I can't bring that smile to her lips anymore."

Good Bye and good night!

B~ron