Pleasure is in the Memory !

I was thinking about pleasure. Our society seeks the pleasure of the moment we want to feel it right now. The truth is that's what many people long for. Looking back on my life I see mostly hard roads and broken paths. The last three years I have had more happiness or "pleasure" then I have ever had in my whole life. There's been hard times too. Due mostly to with things that have happened in the past. There are things in my history that I have blocked out. If you have ever seen the butterfly effect, it's kinda like that. But slowly some stuff comes back to me. The truth is I keep my past to my self, these events that come back I deal with my self. I am not ready to let people know some secrets. I guess it's a trust issue and a little bit to do with embarrassment or being ashamed. Anyway these things affect me. But this brings me to my point. Our past is something we dwell on. Bad usually more then good. But when it comes to pleasure could not the remembering of past happiness bring it full circle to a fuller definition of pleasure. Like the final fruits of the event or of that time in your life. You can sit back and think about it, not needing to try to relive it but enjoy that you lived it once.

A pleasure in proper moderation. An example: Do we eat after we are full or sleep after we have slept? So to leave it and not try to re-experience that same pleasure again.

Imagine if mankind had one love, such as you loved one women or one man. Like it was only possible to love romantically once your whole life! What if every part of that relationship had its time and place and that we were happy with each being separated. Stage one: When you are young you look for a mate; then you court her; then you get married Stage two: You make love to have a child, you take pleasure in it, you do the act out of love yes, but you do it for the want of children. Stage three: then you rear the children; Stage four: Then you remember all this, and it wells up inside of you. (The remembering being the last part of the experience of pleasure)
I am not saying that when you are married you should not have sex except for children that is an extreme example! I am saying that we should live our lives not wanting to re-experience the past but to find joy in the memory but a hope for the future joy in store for us.

Perhaps a better example is a man who finds love, but it is lost. Say if that was it! He is only capable of loving once, as if all man kind was that way. Never to love again. You find one women or man who you fall in love with. No hope of another because that was it, that was your love. So we must take pleasure in the memory of that love.

My point is A pleasure is full grown only when it is remembered. Pleasure not being one thing and memory being another but being one together. Remembering is the last part of the pleasure.
Like a poem with a good line in the middle. If you take out the rest of the poem, the line is no longer as impactful.

I am saying all this because I in fact have had some great friends over the last two years and some great times along with these friends. I can pinpoint some moments and even some days as the best times of my life. I can tell you the best moment and the best day. They were one and the same. The best day: It was spent with people I love and cherish. Nothing was on my mind except to enjoy my time with them. No insecurities did I feel, I felt safe and loved. Best moment. I looked at her and she at me. Her eyes bright as the sun. She leaned over and said ever so softly "I love you Byron." And I believed her. At that moment the world could have came crashing down and I would have been happy.

Though those days and moments are done the memory lives on, so I think I need to be happy with those memories. Not wishing that I was back there in that place or reliving those moments but happy that they have passed and that I enjoyed them and I have come full circle with them in my mind.
If that was the greatest moment in my life, I am happy I heard those words and had that moment. If that was the greatest day of my life then I am happy I spent it with the ones I loved, having fun in the sun. If I never have a greater experience or "pleasure." Well I must be happy!

that's me rambling

Peace!

B~Ron

To whisper when I cannot speak

Slowly passing. The sound of the radio. Friendly songs are hurting my ears. Head full. Mouth empty, no words that make sense. No one understands, not even my self.
Love! Oh the word stings like and arrow through the heart. I love God. I love God so much that I give up so much. It is because of this that I can't seem to think. I have changed. I am more full of love then I ever have ever been. The question is why then do I feel farther away from the whole world? I am so serious but yet can't speak these serious words of love freely. It's so frustrating. I have changed in that I do not take words lightly. I can't speak the way I did.
No jokes! Oh how I long to joke, to make others laugh like I use to. I can smile when others smile I can laugh when others laugh. But I can't speak words of humor. I pray so much! Why do I feel myself getting closer to God but farther from everyone else? I long for closeness and for a loving touch. I feel no love from others. I feel the love I want to give. It's deep, no knife can cut to make it bleed. I hold this love in my hands but no one wants it.
I just want to be held. Does anyone have that feeling? , The want of being held like you were when you were young. You cried and your mother held you. And sometimes that's the only reason you cried, to be held and know you are loved. I long for that. But I want it to be real. I don't want to be held by someone who is doing it just because I want it and they feel responsible to comply. No I want to be held by someone who truly want to hold me and love me. I feel like holding some people. I want to hold some people and not speak a word. Just hold them tight and whisper "Do you feel safe?" But I can't do that it seems. The more I want to the more it seems I am pushing people away. How do I do right by people when all it seems like I can do is wrong? All I want is to bless people, really. But all my words come out wrong and I feel foolish.
I think a lot about heaven right now. I want to go Home where my Lord will hold me and I can rest without crying myself to sleep. I am not complaining! I love life! I am saved! I can breathe! I can see others smile! I saw an angel! I dreamed a dream of the future! A simple dream, that seems so far off. I guess I write to get my mind straight. And maybe someone will understand. I live this life, Praying for growth, trying to do right. But when moral right is seen so wrong, I just want to break free. I don't want to be seen as this serious guy who can't enjoy life. I want to joke! But only if it can be done without any immoral application. I stumble so easily. And others do to. I don't judge but love and keep my mouth shut. I pray I will be able to speak life someday and be able to be normal again without losing ground. Well this is me rambling yet again.

"The world is full of angels and saints. I see the one so bright! She shines day and night. My words make no sense to her and I can't seem to speak without putting my foot in my mouth. To give life to her! That's all I want to give. But it's seems my life is not worth enough to give. The saints they look past. The angel does not see my love, she sees it as foolishness. All I can do is sit and pray for words to give. Sit and look and get joy when she smiles and feel frustration that I can't bring that smile to her lips anymore."

Good Bye and good night!

B~ron

. . . and She Will Lead Me In

I took a walk upon the bridge of distant reality,
below the atomic sea.

Thoughts of you rushed over me.
I walked to see what I could see.
I carried nothing but your memory.

Visions came to my eyes as I lifted my head,
of my hands in yours, a guiding touch.
Your outline has no color, just white light.

I walk and you fly.
The sky is purple
and open to the moon.

Stars let their scent reach us,
like fresh rain!
We breath it in and feel the night.

What can I do but cry?
Diamonds fall from your eyes,
Tears from the sun!

Your wings I call "safety,"
Vanilla in scent
And soft as the lightest wind.

Your robes are of purest white,
Soothing to the touch!
You make me shudder.

My eyes dart back and forth
at the path we take.
I cannot look at you without breaking down.

This is you, grown from the world
and alive in the Son.

I always knew it would be you who would guide me home.

You are yourself, yet not.
Your body is your own, yet different.
You have no human body to distort your beauty.
But it is you none the less.

It is your soul exposed!
It is the feeling of your smile.
That smile always made me see you this way!
The real you!

You have become
My angel of Grace and Mercy
who I always prayed
would fly next to me.

No words were said,
just the ones placed in my head,
“To come away”
with the woman I have always loved.

I lived a lifetime of want and sorrow,
since you left.

I was of one heart, of one mind, one embrace, preparing for my
one moment of you being
mine.

Minutes left in this life!

Your wings touch the ground.
The winds blow around you with no sound.
You transform into that girl I knew so long ago.
You, standing there with your deep blue eyes and brown hair,
Your intense stare,
Your jeans and your black T-shirt,
Your strange but marvelous body,
So different from the rest of the world!

You take one step.
The way you walk brings back a flood of past days,
Memories of laughter together and running after the rain.

You lean in, looking as if you would fall to your left,
Just as you always did in life.

You embrace me as you never did in life,
Wrapping your limbs around me as if you would never let go,
Your lips touch mine
for the first time.
True bliss!

My eyes are open, yours are closed.
I feel your eye-lashes on my skin.
Your lips, so moist, send love through my veins,
a blinding light, filling all space and time.

Transformed in a moment, from life to eternity
by this one embrace.
Brought into a heavenly place.

The paramedics tried,
but there is a flat line.
And I die.