Fear

Lately I have read a few biographies on individuals who had made decisions in their lives that made them into the people they did not want to be. They, like us all started out with good intentions but along the way with a few minor decisions their whole lives changed. They embraced things that were not healthy, so in turn they became destructive human beings who turned into creatures of their basic desires, they acted in a way, like animals, they left their restraint behind and became something they hated. Not saying they are by any means less human or unintelligent, they are in fact very smart people. And there is hope for them. They are self-destructing in front of their very own eyes. I fear that I might someday become like that, so I wrote this about that fear and struggle in my own life.

There is this extension of my self.
A personality that is in me but yet apart from me.
Like a cut that will not heal, I pick at it, pull off the scab, poke it when it fills with puss.
I let it drain and bleed.
But always it must stay at the same severity, the same size of a wound.
But sometimes I dig too deep, the cut bleeds too much and it begins to grow in size.
Don't prod and poke a caged animal!
The anger will grow, the cage will open and the creatures presence will be known by many.
I smell fear!
A fear I provoked that creature, that side of me that I want to stay hidden.
His ugly head sees the light often enough. If I fully succumb to him, I will be lost forever.
I will not last long and that creature will kill me along with its self.
So I must tend to this, heal this wound, tame the beast!
The wound may heal but the scar remains. The beast may be caged but is still wide eyed and ready.
He will always be there, under the surface waiting for a weak moment in my restrain.
I try to feed into myself good and right, so I may grow safer with this other entity within me.
So I can no longer fear what I may become.
So I can look in the mirror and not recoil with horror.

Steps

This is a poem i have been working on for a while. I have rewritten it twice and i am still not really happy with it.

It's about life i guess and fears. It's about Dreams. Its about the contrast of beauty and ungliness. Its random thoughts of reality and of the surreal and things that are a bit off. It's about truth and lies.

I have titled it before, but none suited it. So i guess i will give it the shortest name i can so not to give you any preconsived notions of what to think when your reading it.

Just let your mind go where it goes.

This poem is about everything and nothing!

Risk and rewards
Cold water won’t hold my ideas
Hair on my head won’t hold my desires.
Tithes and offering in a corner
Cold, alone.

Cannot move, I dare not move
Try to stay warm and sleep
Through my shivering and shaking.
Oh, we are the ones whose souls are devoured!

Glorious Deja’ vu!
You are a smile!
And in your smile I live
If that joy doth leave
The wheel will cease to spin
For practise makes perfect.

Velvet square I will embrace
Try and burn my self on
Kingdom grace: flames are high, cover my face.
The triangle may cut, but would it be too deep to bleed?

Can’t talk when there is cotton in my mouth.
Drink bitter life and better health.

Try to kill my fear
But can’t cut the corners
Three stories high to jump.
One less fugitive on the run
I shoot straight from the hip.

What is the secret? Tell me one more time!
Knowing nothing against my self.

Let us again dance that dance.
Step on my toes and I will speak
Slap me; I will impart love so sweet.
Come back again!
For I love I do not creep.
I will honour your descent.
For my feelings don’t pay your rent.
My day off is that I don’t smell your scent.

The wine is sweet,
But I dare not drink
Lest I fall into sin.
But oh how I could lose my self in your limbs.
It as if I never sinned
I pray I do not remember to forget

The things I thought into existence.
The things I fought for.
Fall into this so hard.
Soft feathers and hard-boiled steel
Concrete will
Foolishness!

Just hold on baby girl,
I will meet you in the end.

I was framed and bought
Put me on your wall!

This heart of mine is weakening with every deception.
Sour tasting midmouth expression.

Here I am and that’s all I know
The rivers flow to a place unknown.
There you are, stand and fall or leave and plead
For a human touch.

Reaching with a hand unfolding
Cannot touch grace, can not find any place
To call home or victory!

The Gate of beauty leaps to this sound of splendour!
Hammer in hand; destroy what is left in glory.

Veiw the paths I took but leave respect untouched.
Walk on as I leave… Don’t say you remember when.
There is no when….
I in the end have failed to live as one.
No longer human.

For another version of this poem go to http://blog.myspace.com/lisen2mynoise it is titled Sense of Grandeur on that sight... like i said it has went through name chnages.

From

I realize I must appear to many as very foolish… very foolish indeed. Here I am with another headache. I sometimes think this chronic problem of being over whelmed with feelings could be a real live sickness of the mind. But then I think to my self “your being mellow dramatic”. I know I am different then others. I am a hopeless romantic! Wow! I sound foolish even to my self. I am over sensitive to my surroundings, to all aspects of life.

I really search hard for beauty. My eyes hurt from looking, I see such ugliness. I just took a weekend to the city. And I am drained! I see such loneliness, just materialism! How could I ever live in just a place? But yet I feel hope and see something. It’s a sort of beauty mixed amongst the slime and decay. The city lights, the smiling people, the park beside the river. I think to myself “maybe I can explore some beauty here”. There are people here like everywhere else. They portray beauty and despair.

Here I am in a lonely place. I am tired and worn but I see a thin light. I am growing weak with the effort I am putting in to life. In my weakened state I have let things slide.

Take Breath and live again, drink from the source! Oh Lord I pray to thee “take my hand” guide me along this desert path, heal my parched lips. Give me the passion to go on. Put my mind in a place of health.. Let me sleep and find rest.

I have been tired for so long. No sleep has helped. I have loved so much that my hands grow weak trying to hold my love for others above my head. I see I have been trying again to do this myself. My Lord has been waiting behind my last step. Oh foolish me! I did see Jesus standing right behind me! I forget sometime I guess, I don’t know how but I did it again. I step aside and let him come beside me, preparing to step back so he can tow the line.

To you who is reading: I love you I am sure, but I am learning. And when my mistakes consume me. I start again. This time again with prayer and trembling. This is how I should have loved you the first place.

ALL the good in me is not my own, It is all from the one who let me see beauty!

God Bless
B~ron