Surprised by Joy!

Here is the second part of my writing on happiness. I hope it proves to clarify my opinion better:} originally again from my personal reflection journal


I have to clarify something. My last entry could appear to be on the negative side, but though I don’t believe in happiness I surely believe in joy. What is happiness? By definition it means to be: glad, content; lucky, fortunate. Who is content? We should never be content with our present state, we need to be continually striving not quitting until we reach the end of our lives and reach heaven, like my friend Sheldon says in his CD The Gift of Unhappiness: “I’ll refuse to be content to early.”
I have never been lucky in my life and don’t think I even really believe in luck. It’s just a way to explain good in ones life and to explain why some people have an easyier time in the life then others. Why people don’t die when the doctors say they have a week to live or to explain why someone just misses getting hit by a car. I would rather believe in miracles and the protecting hand of God and his guiding in my life.
Now what is joy? By definition it is: “gladness, pleasure.” I think that is more accurate to my place in life. I can smile because of the joy I have. I can be glad that I can live and love and be free. I can live for joy. When I hear great music, when I feel love for my friends, when I see a beautiful sun set. When I dream and when I think of hope. In all of this I find pleasure. Joy is realistic! There is pain in life and a lot of dark times. But it is the moments of joy that keep me up. God has given me the gift of hope, which is held by joy. I thank Jesus for that! The tears of joy I have shed are the sweetest I ever tasted. It is in those tears that make me feel alive!

B~ron

On Happiness

This entry is from my personal reflection journal on Dec. 5th. Most people don't agree with my ideas here I am not sure I even agree with it all, but I wrote it regardless. It’s an interesting thought pattern.


I do not think happiness exists. It is a figment of our imaginations. It's a lie that we tell ourselves. We strive for it, cheat for it, and some even kill for it. It consumes us but yet we never find it. If someone says they are happy they are lying to you and them selves.
We think our actions can bring happiness. What a bunch of garbage! Sometimes we get moments of joy but we are never brought to the point where we are happy or content. More times then not my right actions bring the same or worse pain then my wrong actions. It’s just the pain is harder to deal with when you do the right thing. It makes you question right and wrong! Why do you show love to a person when they treat you like crap, no matter what you do? Because its right; but it is the most painful thing in the world.
Pain seems the only thing that is real. I feel it every day! It burns inside my head, it magnifies in my aching muscles. It churns my stomach to the point of becoming physically sick. It is so real but yet so hard to live in.
So I try to escape pain. I don’t want to be put to death and pain is what kills me. I can see why people Sin against them selves and others. They are trying to live without pain. They try to numb it with sex, drugs, the media, but in the end pain is always waiting and they only magnify it and make things worse. It causes more problems instead of less. But no matter how I hurt I cannot bring my self to knowingly sin against another. Why do I love those who hurt me? Because that is who I am.
I am the Lover: I love those who others loathe but I see the painful beauty in their souls.
This gift is a curse!
I am the Romantic: I see hope in the hopeless and believe dreams come true.
I am the Poet: Spinning woes of pain into beauty, seeing love as the essence of life. Oh how hard it is to be the one to cry and have these burdens upon my shoulders but it appears I cannot live another way.

To the listener...... I leave


Peace, Love and Empathy


B~ron

So I awake only to sleep?

.... Today I woke up, just like everyday the sun came up. And so I took a breath and lied back down wishing I could live in my dreams again, but the snooze alarm went off for the second time. So in reality I must drift.
The last week has been less then stellar, so I have been wanting to sleep more often. ...It seems everything is falling down on me again.... K, I am being really honest with this.... I don't know what's wrong with me.. Well maybe I do.. But it should not bug me. I should be happy ... And I was for two or three weeks.
Then I woke up just like I did this morning, but things changed and all of life seemed unmanageable. I have neglected a lot in the last mouth, things that I felt important to work on. Regulating my body, mind and spirit. I exercised, I tried to eat well, I wrote in my journals. But I have neglected those things in last month, but its not just that but the other.... The other is what is driving me nuts.. I was getting over, I thought it was done, but it appears it is not, far from done. ...
I can only seem to watch now, I can't seem to get a single sentence out there to help climb back ashore of my life. Why do I care so much? Why do I put so much emotion into this? I see it slipping. It was a hope I guess I always secretly held. I still do I guess. But I see so much that appears... Well it appears that the world is moving on without me. Its over in everybody else's mind and I don't know where to turn. Because it is still alive in mine.
Oh I diagnose myself, maybe its this or that; I take a deep look inside. But the "what ifs?" cannot be answered. Maybe it is just "It is" and that's that! But I refuse that as well. There is no turning points in sight...Just... The .....Same.....Straight.....Line.. So I travel back, back and back into those oh familiar feelings of apathy, Not...Not doing anything except breathing and trying to move forward in this stagnate progression of wills. I want but don't have. I feel but can't act. So maybe I will sleep the sleep of dust, or lie down and dream until I rust.
Good-bye listener THIS IS MY NOISE!

~B-Ron